tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post6104955179899748861..comments2024-02-13T08:45:20.455-05:00Comments on The Schooley Files: Useful Guy Info for Residents of ChickvilleKeith Edwin Schooleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06328169815024415532noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-46532081931826979052007-08-26T18:20:00.000-04:002007-08-26T18:20:00.000-04:00Thanks for the comments and the visit, but I wante...Thanks for the comments and the visit, but I wanted to affirm something you (Keith) said in an earlier comment above: <BR/><BR/>"But simply the close proximity and interaction of an attractive woman will start things buzzing in a man. It's something we have to be careful of when we're married, even if we're drop-dead in love with our wives."<BR/><BR/>I definitely agree. I find that I have to consciously "work through" every relationship I have with an attractive woman to make sure it is settled in a "safe" category in my psyche. The "buzzing" seems to have a mind of its own until I clearly identify it and put it in its proper place. <BR/>Blessings<BR/>Michaelhillschurchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11580362077503241952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-87253856158010108282007-08-25T23:06:00.000-04:002007-08-25T23:06:00.000-04:00Thank you very much, Michael, and welcome!I've bee...Thank you very much, Michael, and welcome!<BR/><BR/>I've been very surprised and pleased at the positive response. I thought Julie or Naomi or some woman happening by would get offended. Anyway, thanks again.Keith Schooleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04078256877683382439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-6273632280169109182007-08-25T16:48:00.000-04:002007-08-25T16:48:00.000-04:00I think this is a great list and very insightful. ...I think this is a great list and very insightful. I've linked to this post (and Julie's) and am sending people (especially single people) over because both lists are truly helpful. And along with Bob, I say that it is not just one person.<BR/>Thanks for doing the hard work.<BR/>Michaelhillschurchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11580362077503241952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-27171916264914531372007-08-16T01:50:00.000-04:002007-08-16T01:50:00.000-04:00I finished the promised post. Here it is: All the ...I finished the promised post. Here it is: <A HREF="http://schooleyfiles.blogspot.com/2007/08/all-lonely-people.html" REL="nofollow">All the Lonely People</A>.<BR/><BR/>I want to thank you guys who have come over here for the first time. I've really enjoyed the interaction. Hope you'll continue the thread from there.Keith Schooleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04078256877683382439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-19611915531015309352007-08-15T22:02:00.000-04:002007-08-15T22:02:00.000-04:00Julie, I'm tempted to make this into another post,...Julie, I'm tempted to make this into another post, because it's complex. When just placed on it's own, "men don't actually pursue friendships with women" is very stark. I don't think it's particularly "Keith-true"; in fact, I've actually had more friendships with women than I have with men. (I couldn't care less about sports or cars.) And yet, I think the truth I was trying to express is still there, because most of the women I had serious friendships with I <I>would</I> have been romantically interested in if I'd gotten the sense that there was a chance there.<BR/><BR/>I don't have time to explain myself now. I probably will make it into a blog post. I think, for one thing, that friendship itself means something different to men than it does to women. And what you said about men needing to be persistent because a woman turning a guy down doesn't mean she will always feel that way; that's true in reverse: a man saying (or indicating) that he wants to "be friends" doesn't mean that he always will, or even that that's actually what he means at the moment. Reread what I wrote about why a man may <I>say</I> he wants to be friends. It does not, necessarily, mean a lack of romantic interest.Keith Schooleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04078256877683382439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-75626867874213313222007-08-15T13:22:00.000-04:002007-08-15T13:22:00.000-04:00"Here's my take: men don't actually pursue friends..."Here's my take: men don't actually pursue friendships with women."<BR/><BR/>I have a hard time believing that. If that's true, I don't get a thing about my life thus far (in the area of friendship/relationships). I'm not going to go into personal detail here, but that -- is that generally true? Or is that just Keith-true? (Asking in a non-picador way) If that's true...I must be amazingly boring or unattractive in person. Seriously. I have lots of guy "friends." I'm full up on that. Friends galore. No indication of anything but friends.<BR/><BR/>I actually find that more disheartening that if guys were really only looking for mere friendship than realizing they decided it should stay that. Or however you want to put it.<BR/><BR/>I gotta get my brother to read this and get his take...if he says it's true, it must be.Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03485064471916748455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-86346176391705102362007-08-15T10:59:00.000-04:002007-08-15T10:59:00.000-04:00You know me the certified Picador, Julie.Trying to...You know me the certified Picador, Julie.<BR/><BR/>Trying to stir things up. Way too much civility around here given the topic.David Chohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10635380194329897550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-28423566566424375982007-08-15T08:57:00.000-04:002007-08-15T08:57:00.000-04:00Naomi,Thanks for stopping by and for the kind word...Naomi,<BR/><BR/>Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words. You're absolutely right: men and women do have different ideas about what an "indication" is. I'm not sure how to resolve that. It's a different-language problem, if not a different-nervous-system-wiring problem.<BR/><BR/>Here's my take: men don't actually pursue friendships with women. That's not to say that men and women can't be friends, as in, friendly acquaintances who like to chat when they're together in a group situation. But if a man is pursuing a one-on-one friendship, he almost always has the possibility of a romantic relationship in reserve. He may back off and <I>say</I> that he just wanted to be friends, after the fact, maybe because he decided he didn't want to pursue a relationship after all, maybe because he got scared, maybe because he thinks you're not interested. But simply the close proximity and interaction of an attractive woman will start things buzzing in a man. It's something we have to be careful of when we're married, even if we're drop-dead in love with our wives.<BR/><BR/>So all a woman should have to do is to let the guy know that she likes and appreciates his company, and that she's unattached. Of course, since we all have baggage, some of us need a bit more push.<BR/><BR/>How do I feel about women initiating a relationship? Well, I can only tell of my own experience. I was the guy who tended to fall head-over-heels and scared the woman away. I had just been through a rejection (the "cry on the shoulder" girl) when I met Cecile. She was recently divorced and had three children. She also didn't know the Lord when I met her, although she was searching and very soon after got saved. So even though I found her attractive (especially when I saw her life visibly change--God delivered her from some external stuff almost immediately--it was the most incredible thing I'd ever seen), for the first time in my life I was running away instead of falling head-over-heels. Besides not wanting to deal with the divorce and children thing, she's a baby Christian, and I don't want her mixing up her newfound relationships with Jesus with her feelings about me, see?<BR/><BR/>Anyway, for the most part, she pursued me. That is, she pursued a friendship with me, and then we both did a little dance of, "Yes, I'm attracted, but you're off limits," and there was an on-again off-again should we pursue this or not thing going on. But later on, when we were first married, I made the unfortunate mistake of referring to the fact that she had pursued me, and suffered Feminine Wrath for a while. <BR/><BR/>So the bottom line is that it's okay for the woman to initiate, <I>as long as the man never, ever, acknowledges that fact.</I><BR/><BR/>David, since Julie <I>initiated</I> this whole idea, and I was merely <I>responding</I> to it, it would have been overkill for me to parrot the caveats (and besides, I referred to them in my parenthesis, anyway).<BR/><BR/>Oh, dang, I acknowledged that Julie initiated this. [Runs for cover.]Keith Schooleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04078256877683382439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-4092379339916799472007-08-15T08:43:00.000-04:002007-08-15T08:43:00.000-04:00David, clearly, it's a women's perogative.The "thr...David, clearly, it's a women's perogative.<BR/><BR/>The "three caveat" perogative.<BR/><BR/>Haven't you heard about it?<BR/><BR/>(Or maybe...Keith just doesn't write like I do, which is to head of comments on things I assume are a given i.e. that Naomi and I can only speak for ourselves, etc.)Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03485064471916748455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-3135372615032902912007-08-15T00:50:00.000-04:002007-08-15T00:50:00.000-04:00The first order of business.Why does Julie get to ...The first order of business.<BR/><BR/>Why does Julie get to have not one, not two, but THREE caveats/qualifiers (note#1, note#2, note#3), while we men get to have NONE?David Chohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10635380194329897550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-30172099546629146052007-08-14T23:55:00.000-04:002007-08-14T23:55:00.000-04:00"You're going to have to give us at least some ind..."You're going to have to give us at least some indication that you'd be receptive to an invitation."<BR/><BR/>I've heard other guys say this, too. It makes sense. The problem is that sometimes males and females have different ideas of what an "indication" may be. Any insight about what a guy considers an "indication"?<BR/><BR/>One more inquiry: What do you (and other residents of Guyville) think about women initiating the start of a relationship? <BR/><BR/>It seems to me like that is cheating the guy out of the lead and initiative that we say we want him to take.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for the great post sharing the "other" side. <BR/><BR/>-NaomiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-22353545689111205872007-08-14T16:47:00.000-04:002007-08-14T16:47:00.000-04:00Bob: Hmmm. Even though it ended up well in the lon...Bob: Hmmm. Even though it ended up well in the long run, I still can't help thinking that Scruples is an evil game. I'm not sure I'd dare play it again, even with Cecile.<BR/><BR/>Julie: On silence, especially after repeated asking, there are a few possibilities:<BR/><BR/>1. Your guy quite literally has nothing on his mind. I've run into that type before. They can talk about tools, facts, hard things, but are completely incapable of discussing anything meaningful. A woman who stays with such a guy had better be prepared for a long, long life of silence.<BR/><BR/>2. Whatever is on his mind is very threatening to him. He's afraid that if he told you, you would reject him outright. If that's the case, you'll probably have to wait until he's comfortable enough to tell you about whatever skeletons he has.<BR/><BR/>3. He is angry with you and is struggling to deal with it so as not to be hurtful to you. Men have a tendency not to be able to deal with anger issues in moderation, so if it's a choice between Mutual Assured Destruction and the cold war of silence, he'll choose the cold war.<BR/><BR/>4. He has something to say that he thinks would be offensive to you or would provoke an argument, and he doesn't want to deal with the argument.<BR/><BR/>But you're right: silence <B>is</B> killer. It's generally avoidance behavior and counterproductive in the long run. But guys don't want <I>this</I> moment to be the one in which they said something stupid to ruin everything. Most guys aren't that articulate about emotional stuff (except for those of us who were lit majors and talked to our moms a lot growing up), so we know that we're likely to botch things once we open our mouths.<BR/><BR/>Guys are probably likely to "test the waters" by bringing up something innocuous to see what your reaction will be: to see if you're tenaciously opinionated (which affects #4), easily hurt (#3), or have a low "ewwwww" threshold (#2). How you respond to these innocuous issues may have an effect on whether they open up to larger issues. (This is also the approach that people take with therapists.) <BR/><BR/>Well, I hope I haven't overly analyzed your question. I guess it's not just chicks who do that.Keith Schooleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04078256877683382439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-11576944280787209372007-08-14T15:11:00.000-04:002007-08-14T15:11:00.000-04:00Great list, Keith.I've never heard of the game of ...Great list, Keith.<BR/><BR/>I've never heard of the game of Scruples...<BR/><BR/>Regarding #2: what if a "chick" asks numerous times what a guy is thinking and hears nothing? I'm looking through your list and see that maybe #3 would apply, but that's sort of a vicious circle after a while.<BR/><BR/>I wish you'd address #3 more, as it applies to silence i.e. when women hear/are told nothing and are left to interpret the what and why of that silence. That silence explains why we: over-analyze, seemingly prematurely break-up, etc.<BR/><BR/>Silence is killer.<BR/><BR/>But great list. I have my own tag on your blog. That's something.Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03485064471916748455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18950992.post-14281948252126468992007-08-14T14:48:00.000-04:002007-08-14T14:48:00.000-04:00Good list. Your "set" is most definitely not just ...Good list. Your "set" is most definitely not just one person.<BR/><BR/>Maybe a game or two of Scruples should be a standard part of my marriage counseling curriculum. :-)Bobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16914401032087512202noreply@blogger.com